"25 is definitely a big deal."
I must say reality is harsh. I was such a dreamer back then. Although no, I have no ambition like becoming someone big in the future, but I also never thought that I'd be like who I am today (haha no it isn't that bad as it sounds, my life). You must think what happened to me. But really what happened was just, I expected more from myself.
***
I was fearless. I was full of hope. I was passionate. I was almost always positive. I was such optimistic person I thought I'd survive in any given situation. In this process we called growing up I guess I somehow let loose of some principles I always held dear. Any old friend of mine would have known me this way, I always said,
"Don't worry be happy."
"What it meant to be, it will be."
The older I get, those are the harder to believe.
"It's okay, look at the bright side," I tell myself.
"Nah you will see. You know it ain't that simple," another voice in my head chimes in, almost every damn time.
***
I've been staying in my comfort zone for far too long. Longer than I'd expected, than anybody has had. I find the irony of what I've been looking, 'to be happy'. It used to be something I always aspired to. But somehow at this age, to be happy doesn't seem enough of a goal any more. Does it?
I guess putting everything on hold to achieve that one thing, actually means that you are miserable along the way to getting there. And when you finally get there, you might find that the thing you always wanted doesn't make you as happy as you thought it would. Now it may sound cliché, but it becomes apparent that happiness shouldn't be a destination but a part of the journey of our lives. We all know that but who actually really gives a darn about the journey. Well at least I didn't, shame to say.
Life is hard and we are all struggling in our own ways.
On the surface everybody is living a darn good life, who knows what would you see when you scratch the surface. The older I get and the more people I meet (well not as many as I'm #猫在noc的女孩, wtf so long never used this hashtag), the less I think I know. In the end of the day, you only know as much as people want you to know.
***
Feeling especially emotional when I looked back old photos and words I wrote or shared. Glad that I have this blog to remind myself who I was, or should I say who I really am? I know I can never have that same naive but genuine feelings to myself ever again. I know I can't simply pen down my feelings and thoughts anymore. I don't care being judged or whatsoever, I always don't. It's just something has changed, I don't know. Is that how becoming an adult turn you into?
When I was young and innocent back then, I always thought I had not just a perfect day but a perfect, smooth sailing life. Because it's too perfect you see, something was bound to go wrong. Now, "this" is not wrong, but it's not my way either.
*Pianosheet (Eb minor original key)* credit goes to Joyce Leong
Seeing the bigger picture, I still like to think myself as a happy human being though, despite what I've just written. No doubt I'm that good at transitioning my mood. I just don't like the idea of being unhappy myself, let alone being unappreciative (I hope I don't sound like one mygod).
I used to believe I have kinda like bipolar symptoms anyway hahaha. Well personally a bit unhappy that my saving for past few months has almost been a flat line wtf but overall I'm still happy.
Time for some freedom off all shit.
***
I'm reading this book, still on-going. This sentence I read hit me hard.
"Because you have to be a certain age to earn the right to ruin your own life." - Nineteen Minutes, Jodi Picoult
It may sound too harsh for me to put myself in that situation.
But sometimes, you don't need an explanation.
love,
Ee
