Pre-grad. Post-grad.

Maybe every living creature in this whole wide world is studying for finals and ironically, I have absolutely nothing to do, I guess blogging will kill the time. So here's some things crawl into my mind. 

I'm going to graduate, for your information. And realizing that you are about to graduate is a mixed feeling. Something like love-hate relationship. It's such a relief knowing that I've completed my 4 years engineering degree (+ another 1 year foundation makes 5 years in total), not finished first-class-ly but at least reached my expectation.  The tension feeling I got whenever I thought of the after-grad is however, killing. 

I'm not a person with plans. With that I thank god, for saving me from a lot of worries. This time, I have no such luck to step away from it: drawing a future for myself. I'm confused about it, my future, which previously I didn't really give a fuck. I thought eventually, things will come naturally if they're meant to be, will fall into its place and fit in perfectly. With that naive thought or you say belief, I actually did survive through my 5 years of college (Amazing! isn't it?) . 

I was 18 when I first came to Malacca and I'm 23 this year and soon going to leave. Within these 5 years I've come to know that, the best things in life aren't things. I came with my clothes, some daily necessities and stationeries, I now go back with so much more. Friends and experiences are two most important things I can name it now. I've been through so much makes me feel that, I actually did quite some things in my college life and I wasn't wasting it. Of course there's times I would have worked harder and put more efforts, but there's moments I felt it didn't matter at all. Complicated. Anyways, these 5 years made up a great experience and probably part of the greatest memories in my life. 

I know things will look so much different in a month or two from now. I can't foresee that. I can't predict what would happen. I can't say I don't look forward to its coming. But I can't say I anticipate to its coming either. I'm confused about what I really want, because I never thought of it. I really should think of it now. The thought of becoming one of those ambitious people scares me. I don't know who would I become. I hope that deep inside I would forever be this me, the SzeEe you know. But god knows what society capable of to change a person. The idea of it horrifies me. 

I have to keep reminding myself not to be one of those who would fade out into the society and lose himself. Thus, I gotta hold myself up to this belief, so tightly until it hurts: I'm not gonna change to blend in, to fit in. I'm gonna be just me.

another wordy post. 

I guess I overthink. Fuck it. Who cares. Just live. 

Counting down 4 days. Be it alone or with friends or with you. I'm so gonna enjoy it. 

I will miss this place for sure.

and you.

love,

Ee

Love Always Wins

I love how behind every single window, there is a different person who has a story that we know nothing about.

Last Friday morning, we lost the one we loved and respected. I felt as if we had grown up overnight. The death was so close, so sudden, so heartbreaking. No one can confidently say that he will still be living tomorrow. I know at this moment, word itself has very limited assuring effect, the hugs can't last for ever, all we can do is to stand by your side.

People take things for granted. A glass of warm milk prepared by mother in the morning. A lift to the bus station. A heartwarming smile from the passers-by. Even a glimpse of sunshine caught once you open your eyes. We are blessed in so many forms we often think it comes so naturally without appreciate each of them. Alway remember. Give thanks, spread love.


"Love wins. Love always wins."

"This is part of what a family is about, not just love. It's knowing that your family will be there watching out for you. Nothing else will give you that. Not money. Not fame. Not work."

- Mitch Albom, Tuesday with Morrie.

Those we hold closest never leave us, they live on in the kindness they've shared and the love they brought into our lives. We will miss you.


unconditional love,
Ee

Self-Reminder: Responsibility

I don't normally write here bluntly saying how I feel about things. About people, specifically. But this rage, been staying inside me for few days since the moment I learned about something I cared so much for, put so much effort into, went in vain. What made me feel even worse is that, it's never been easy to build what we've got today. and it's now gone, thanks to you.

Learn this word from a new perspective shall we?


responsible
adjective
1. having an obligation to do something, or having control over or care for someone, as part of one’s job or role.

2. being the primary cause of something and so able to be blamed or credited for it.

3. (of a job or position) involving important duties, independent decision-making, or control over others.


Be a responsible person, just that easy. No one asks you to jump through a ring of fire. Do what you should do, what you're meant to. Be responsible for this. At least admit your fault and say your apology.

Come on, even a 5 years old kid knows he should say "thank you" after receiving kindness from others, "sorry" when he's wrong. In this case it's more like slapping the one who has helped you throughout right in the face. Who do you think you are to ignore them? Bringing so much hardships (or rather shit) to people because of your reckless idiotic irresponsible act. Do you even bother to wipe your own ass? ugh.


I don't judge cause no one is perfect.

But in this case, I'd say you are wrong. So wrong. No matter how proud you are, always remember those who have helped you to become who you are today.





Shall take this entry as a self-reminder. Never ever be one of these.

Jeez.



Yet,

My prayers go out to over 10k victims, their families and everyone affected in Philippine typhoon. Pray for Philippine. Life is so fragile......



PS: sorry for being kinda vulgar.

SzeEe the Optimist

Life is a series of ups and downs, having unstoppable changes from time to time.

when I was young, I used to dream of becoming an artist. Not those pop stars, but the artist who paints and draws. But I'm an engineering student now.

when I was form 4 and 5, physics was the subject I hated the most compared to chemistry and biology. But I'm taking engineering course now.

You'll be amazed by how time can change a person. Good to bad. Here to there. This to that. Vice versa.

You won't be an interesting person if you don't have ups and downs in life. Don't have a story to tell. Don't have experiences to share. Path with no obstacles probably doesn't lead you anywhere, I believe many of you heard that. and I'm the believer of this theory. That's how I would tell myself whenever I'm not okay.

All in all, I just want to convince myself that, I'LL BE OKAY.


Yesterday (Monday) 8am was the first class of my new sem. and I've been feeling so stressful since then. I haven't been feeling this way for ages and I'm not sure when it's gonna stop. Things turned out to be negative and I need to fix them right. Say not only a matter, but A LOT of things left undone or just, wrong. I even tried to ignore and put them aside, but then I realized I couldn't focus on anything. The past 24 hours, I was doing craps, ignoring facts, pretending to be okay. It's just so damn wrong I didn't fucking feel like I'm 'me' at all.

Until that one point, I read a tweet, I'd rather look back at my life and say "I can't believe I did that" instead of saying, "I wish I did that." I felt all better. Because I believe for what I'm doing now, will certainly pay off for good.

and then before dinner time, I was in library reading papers. Here's one article I read that made me feeling all good. Not better but good. I felt like 'I'm back'.

A simple article, nothing fancy inside but it somehow soothed me. Just saying that the pair of old folks taking care of each other and still in love at such old age.

Guess that's how love makes the world goes round.

after reading that articles for like ten minutes, I received something from my roomie....

she sent this fella to me, "Idk why i saw this pic and it reminds me of you"

and my world was like BOOM, exploding with fireworks or something which really lighted up my day!

*I was like sitting alone and laughing silently to myself, people must think: total weirdo*

Thanks my dear. It does look a lot like me. Small eyes, big specs, and what Theng said "big head". wtf

You never know how a simple/kind act can totally cheer someone up.

Apart from all the negatives I've been receiving lately, I'm certain that my attitude towards life has never changed. Our attitudes toward life determine life's attitude towards us. I'm still the positive me. SzeEe the optimist.

Sure enough, feeling alright after calling back home, and typing this blog post. Talking to mommy for 20 minutes, I'm so much loved.

Keeping everything simple is the rule I posted in my room. 

*if you remember this pic*

Looking for the best is what I should do now. Never know I can actually predict things. School reopened just for two days (for me), I already had few things correct. and I did call back home to seek for reassurance. It's a good sign or what? - -

oh and, the hurricane Sandy slams US for real. When I looked at the FB shared pic I thought to myself, damn heck lar the photo so fake why people still passing it around? then I read the paper today, ohhhhh. What a scary serious disaster.

Pray hard to US. God bless the whole nation.



andddddddd (endless and(s) - -""), here's a quote from Xiaxue the blogger, "Courage and honesty (and the courage to maintain honesty) are things I really value in life and try hard to be. In this world where so many are faking it till they make it, especially on the internet, for fame or money, I'm glad being honest is still being valued."

Though I'm not a big fan of hers, but this really 'clicks' my mind. So simple yet so true.



So rather than telling lies, some stories better kept untold...

love,

Ee

I'm Just Venting

What kind of person am I to you. I got really pissed off and felt offended this noon. How can people be so judgmental sometimes. Nobody likes being accused for something they didn't do. Overhearing a part of conversation and try to label me? Thanks to your kindness I felt honored.

I can't really accept people pretend okay right in front of me and point at my back afterwards. I'd rather you talk to me (let it be face-to-face or through message/mail), nicely or not I don't care but at least letting me know what are the problems. You know, the message you sent was really rude and disrespectful. But it's okay, I accepted because part of me still felt glad that you let me know what you thought. As what I said, I don't really explain things, but if I do, once is my limit.

I know I have no right to tell you what to do, but as a friend, I should let you know something. Here, words can heal, words may as well create misunderstanding. You can't forever hide inside your room and communicate with the world by using only hp or pc. One day you will need to step into the society and face the reality, the people. Try to communicate, to talk. Else you'll fail miserably at conversations and socializing.

I've mentioned so many times, I don't give a damn about how others look at me. Sometimes I'm curious, but I won't change who I am based on your opinions or comments on me. Let's take off the mask and be frank. That's what true friends should be.

This incident practically ruined my Saturday. I won't usually be so petty over things but this has gone beyond my limit.

I.Don't.Get.It.Why.Would.You.Take.It.That.Way!

The more I think about it, the more imbalance I feel. 

Yes I'm just venting.

Feeling so much better now.

Can't.be.bothered.

SzeEe

Update 3.33am: and now only I realize it's September. FML what a great start. No more shits happen to anyone please. God bless.

4.12am: “The world isn't split into good people and Death Eaters. 

We’ve all got both light and dark inside of us.

What matters is the part we choose to act on.

That’s who we really are.”

- Sirius Black (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix)

For once, let me be the bad girl.

Volume Knob on Life

as if I could leave everything behind and the world doesn't even matter to me.

"Quiet is turning down the volume knob on life. Silence is pushing the off button. Shutting it down. All of it."

meaningful. only if you understand these 4 pics.

you believe? I wrote this.

Ee-ternity.

It's hard to predict a certain people's emotions. Even by looking into the eyes I get absolutely nothing. Weird. Maybe I'm used to my way to get the truth but now, it doesn't work anymore.

Many people like to sugar-coat anything, but I want the truth, no matter how raw and blunt it is. Don't try to make up a story and convince me or even yourself to buy it because both of us know it's not the way it is.

"And that's the thing about people who mean everything they say. They think everyone else does too." and I think that's the problem. Why can't everyone just tell the truth? Meh. I feel no good. I need a rest now. The words will heal me. 

Quoted from 'The Kite Runner', "Happiness like this is frightening, they only let you be this happy if they're preparing to take something from you."

I think I know what it means.

Hii August. Hii Friday. Goodnight, world.

you know,

"There is a way to be good again..."

Ee

Things We Used to Do

#1 We learnt to appreciate each other's existence since we were young. We hugged, we kissed on check, we hold hands. We did what we wanted to without hesitation. We trusted our friends more than our Baba Mama. 

#2 We often did silly things which back then we thought it was really cool.

#3 We cried when we were sad, smiled when happy, teared when frustrated, laughed when excited. We didn't need to put on a mask, nor fake our emotion just to make sure "I looked fine".

#4 Love isn't complicated at all. When he held her hands, he liked her. He kissed her, oh god he really loved her a lot. As simple as that.

#5 Most importantly, we dared to dream.

Never the same.

xoxo

Ee

Midnight Diary IV, SzeEe's

Once after soooooo long, the midnight diary of mine. Yea I'm not supposed to update my blog now, not until next Tuesday. but I can't help wanting to because of weather like this. I love rainy day (again if you know me). Not to mention now, the super windy rainy night.

Things didn't go smooth as what I hoped for. Aha! I'm suck at programming and I couldn't come out with a satisfied outcome for my mini project presentation so, I was once-after-so-long feeling depressed, that's really a RARE thing for me. I used to be really optimistic (until that 'level' my friends think I shouldn't be), and I won't put/let myself sink into those emo situations for more than half an hour. I do, really! but I wasn't really happy during the past few days. Hate that defeated feeling.

That's the thing about feelings, they demand to be felt, to be lift up to sky,  sometimes to be hurt the other way round. I don't like being emo, being down, being negative-thinking, and so I don't allow my friends around me to feel that way. When one is down, the way he looks his life is different, WAY MORE different than those cheerful people. So my friends you read this, you know how much I wish people around me are the happy ones. Everyone has their own problems, some people are just smarter hiding it. When you are tired of masking your emotions and feelings, I hope my name will pop up into your mind and I'm all-ready to listen to you.

Things to do when I'm not-okay. I make calls, I chat with friends, I bang piano, I blog, I read books, I listen to music, I sleep, and I tumblr. Looking at those beautiful pictures eases and soothes my feeling.

the notes

the fruits. I love any kind of fruit. Just not 'that' into rose apple (jambu air)

the messy water colorplate. sudden urge of drawing...

the songs and musics

the super cute babes

When I was little, I only played two things in the playground. the slides and....

the swing!

ahhh.... when I was young......

I miss you all a lot.....

strongly recommend a site:

http://hj-story.com/

could anything on earth be more lovely than the doodles like this? Find out more in their fb page.

Good night world

Shall put the troubles behind before every sleep, and wake up with a smile every morning. May all of you have a great weekend.

love,

Ee

Basketball in the Rain

The night

The rain 

The wind blow

The splash

The laughter

The childish act

and 

The basketball

Each and everyone reminds me of you. There are some words we should never have left unsaid, some acts we should never have regretted to do. We only live once, don't you think there's always that one thing we should really go for it while we're still young? 

Sometimes, I'd really like to let my mind goes insane and wild, don't give a damn about the rules, stop putting others before myself, stop thinking about the consequences. But at the end, it remains a thought and in reality I know I'd never ever let loose of myself. Maybe that's how this society turns people into, somehow somewhere sometime we have to follow the rules, be who we 'should' be, not who we 'wanted' to be.

You know, 'everything happens for a reason' this statement is made because brain said so. Heart will never do because 'anything can happen for no reason at all', too. 

What a night. Am I being really emotional at this moment? I guess it's a 'Yes'. Time to hit the bed and clear my mind.

I love rainy days.

Good night world.

xoxo,

Ee

They Tell A Thousand Words

Some pictures that delight me today :)

Sometimes, there is that one memory you can't get over and get rid of. and there is that one picture, one sentence or one scene from movie reminds you of how your life was used to be. 

This is reality and THIS is life.

The only constant in life is 'change'. Even when I'm sitting, I'm aging, second by second. Nothing on earth remains the same as always. Believe in that and move on in life.

It's good to have some flashbacks in a while.

Love,

SzeEe

Morning Diary I, SzeEe's

I've been staying up over 24 hours!! Thanks to the heavy work loads.

Christmas celebrating is a MUST for my family. We have a 'tradition' to celebrate Christmas ever since my dearest mom gave birth to my baby sis. She's Christmas baby! Right on 25th December. How awesome is that? The whole world is celebrating with you. I've been asked by so many people if I am a Christian due to the passion I show towards this festival. Am I looked one?? So this is the biggest reason why I treat Christmas BIG, because of my dearest sis and family.

Due to my responsibility towards the event I'm taking, I somehow stuck in dilemma whether I wanted to go back home or not. I felt sorry for not being together with them during this critical period, but I felt even sorry if I didn't spend this big day with my family. My dad called me few times this week, every time I hung up with my eyes brimming with tears. Guess all the accumulated feelings get me emotional at times. Nah.... I'm a girl anyway.

At the end, you know family is my all-time first priority. I feel so very thankful to your understanding.


Yes, CNYE gang you all! I'll be back in a short while! Don't miss me yea :)

Can't wait for my parents' arrival later today! Merry Christmas my friends! Morning world!!



Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clearer view again.



xoxo
Ee

Books Review | Love the One You're With- Emily Giffin

'A lot of things happened before I married Andy...and one of them was Leo. The one I would finally get over, then see again, years later...'

My favourite quotes in this book:


“Sometimes there are no happy endings. No matter what, I'll be losing something, someone. Maybe that's what it all comes down to. Love, not as a surge of passion, but as a choice to commit to something, someone, no matter what obstacles or temptations stand in the way. And maybe making that choice, again and again, day in and day out, year after year, says more about love than never having a choice to make at all.” 

“I think of how life takes unexpected twists and turns, sometimes through sheer happenstance, sometimes through calculated decisions. In the end, it can all be called fate, but to me, it is more a matter of faith.” 

"Love is the sum of our choices, the strength of our commitments, the ties that bind us together."

-Love the One You're With, Emily Giffin.

I felt everything is so familiar throughout the story, a story about one woman at the crossroads of true love and real life. A novel for anyone who has ever wondered: how can I truly love the one I'm with, when I can't forget the one who got away?

Emily Giffin is right, maybe in the end, what really matters is 'that' choice.

good night world

xoxo

Ee

Life's Little Instructions

I really hope everything's going to be alright. I hope you can tell us your pain instead of masking it up. I know, you are a mighty, invincible one in front of us, I just hope I can share your pain. I really do. 

I know it's gonna be fine. I'm sorry I'm not around, again. I just hope there's nothing bad happened to my family ever again.

I love you dad.

Ee

6th September

I can't go any further with this heavy load on me gosh..

Full of resentment huh this place, I don't know why am I being so negative lately. Anyway, I'll be all fine in a short while, I believe.

Looking at the bright side.

Yes I'm trying so damn hard to look through this haze.


Gonna blog a cool post tomorrow, perhaps.

Good night :)

Ee


Update:: I saw a line just now- 'although it feels like a roller coaster now, life will calm down'. 

Horrifying Chain Car Accident

I had a very hard time since Wednesday. I knew a sadden horrifying truth, about an accident happened to my parents, which occurred on Monday actually. My family kept everything from me just for sake of my assignment stuff, they scared I'd run back home at the minute I know it. It's true though, when my dad told me the matter, I cried like hell, which apparently they had already predicted I would.

I felt so damn heavy afterwards because I was struggling whether to come back home or not. FYI, I got an assignment presentation on Friday, which the stupid damn lecturer hadn't posted anything regarding the details of the presentation earlier, not even the time and venue. What frustrated me the most? He then finally posted it in MMLS at 2am something on Friday!! So he expects everyone of us staying up so hell late like him and checking MMLS every minute. What an effing brilliant lecturer!

Anyways, I'm home. I can finally look at my mom, making sure everything's alright. I don't know how to describe her condition now. She's okay, and she's not. Been hospitalizing in KPJ Johor Specialist since the accident occurred, even doctor said it can't help much even if she keeps staying in hospital so she got discharged today. Looking at her pale face, my heart aches; when she says she has no appetite to eat, my heart aches; listening to her saying she's okay, my heart aches; looking at her taking pillsssss and painkillers, my heart aches......

I felt so glad and fortunate that my dad's still strong, though there are bruises on his arms, his legs, even his stomach, but still, my dad is still a superman!! Been going back and forth between hospital, police station and home over these few days. Besides mommy, he's indeed the one who needs more rest now.

pic stolen from my sis's blog.

So that was a chain car accident. My parents' car was the one on the left, from wira became kancil. So basically, the car is now scrapped. Fortunately, my parents are fine. I mean, from this photo you can relate to so many bad things that might be happened. I should thank God, no one is taken from this accident.

This is so terrible!! So damn horrifying!! Even until now, I still don't know what happened to the van driver who caused all these happened! 5cars involved, you might not care about your own life, but please don't take others' as granted!

Perhaps everyone can put the bad luck behind, and move on in life.

Appreciate the ones you love, and who love you back in return.

Ee

Own-self Day | Life

and today is a random weekday, I have no class until 5pm, meaning that I got my OWN spare time to do my OWN things and figure out my OWN thoughts. Today is meant to be an own-self day.

Thinking quite a lot recently, maybe I have no better things to do. I thought of everything that happened, or might possibly happen to me last night. I didn't intend to, I was actually laying on my bed, covering blanket and there my mind slowly floating away.

People can't stop judging each other, comparing among themselves. Who's smarter, who's prettier, who's taller, who's skinnier.

Somebody are good at making people feel bad about themselves, trying to bring you down. But some of them are trying so hard to make things up, to make you feel alive again.

Sometimes, some people, I'd ask how you are, but I don't really care. This sounds offensive, but it's true.

Sometimes people ask 'are you okay?', they are just curious. Your 'I'm okay' is just bullshit.

Sometimes you say 'thanks for your concern,' but your mind is like 'kindly fuck off'.

Not everyone can embrace different ways of thinking. Not everyone can be considerate.

Few people do care, many of them just curious.

They know your name, they don't know your story.

They've heard what you've done, but not what you've been through.

In life you have to look at things in so many different views. Take good care of your image, but not pretending it's perfect. You may fake your emotions, but never fake your true feelings. Any difference? For me, yes.

So many beautiful things I'd always believed, suddenly become the ugly evil truths.

I'm numb. This is life.

But what's the best part? Life is always unexpected. Life's beautiful still, that it can embrace every ugly truth. I hope I can at least uphold this point. There are things we don't want to happen, but have to accept. Things we don't want to know, but have to learn.

I'm learning.........

Ee

Redefine

I never had this feeling before. Nobody knows what I've encountered and what I was dealing with. I'm glad and thankful, and I'm sorry. For what you've done for me is what I can never possibly imagine. Thanks for everything.

love is nothing, to love is everything. Redefine the word in my own dictionary.

Anyhow, I'm okay. You know, I mean what I said.

SzeEe

Pandora Hearts OST- Lacieレイシー Piano

Coincidentally I recorded some nice pieces today noon and this one suits my mood right now, just nice.

I believe you understand me, and what I said. Maybe that was a wrong timing but I don't want to bring this matter to the next day. It's not fair. Enough of words.

Japanese anime- Pandora Hearts. This is the OST named Lacie. This anime is kinda weird to me, and scary @@""" I haven't finished watching it, and still wondering should I continue? But this melody keeps running inside my head so I decided to do this cover.

An easy piece, but graceful melody. piano sheets

Things' over. Carry on......

Night world

Ee

Life is Fragile

Life is so beautiful, yet so fragile than anything else in the world. I can understand why people die of old age, like 70 or 80 something. But, whenever I read or get to know there's an accident occurred, or natural disasters happened, no matter they're from press or friends or people around, I feel so very sad to the victims and their families.

Bad things happened these few days made me found that death news are all so disheartened. Roomie's grandma passed away because of her old age- 93. Death is as natural as life. It's part of the deal we made. But hideous accident never seems to be in this case. It's not a natural process which we all knew the ending is death.

I got to know my secondary school senior involved in a car crash, distressingly, his life is taken away.

Life is so fragile you can't expect what things you will encounter into, what will happen to you next. Everything can change in the blink of the eyes.

and I know, although death ends a life, but it's not allowed to end the relationships. The way we get meaning into our life, is to devote ourselves to loving others.

Life is eternal, and love is immortal.

I'm sorry for your lost.

Deepest condolence,

Ee

U Turn

Today is just so-not-my-day.

Everything went so wrong. Don't go for the details as THEY won't light me up either by telling in this way.

Let bygones be bygones. That's what I can tell myself, to keep myself awake, and to prevent myself from banging my head against the wall wtf.

Perhaps, starting from today I'll do a photo-of-the-day.

Pretty sentence. Instead of 'I should die' which I'd posted in my FB wall just now, 'I should focus on being happy' is the newest rule.

Smile to Thursday. Everything will be alright.

love to the whole world,

Ee