Midnight Diary (Again, after so long)

It's been long. I haven't got time to update my blog. No shit I have all the time in the world to be frank just that I had no clue how to put my thought into words like, any more. But things happened, time won't stop ticking.

This is a quick post (and late night, again). I certainly don't know what to blog (now) so I'll just randomly talk about what comes into my mind.

1. was sitting infront of my lappy this morning since I woke up. For hours. I had this thought with me: 不甘愿就这样。就这样. "Just-like-that". Anyway, I finally decided to start sending out resume. Well, sometimes we can't help but to follow the current. I don't see this as a bad sign though, (at least for now) because it's really time to step into next phase. Hire me hire me hire me!
2. I'm never a network-social active person (Besides Instagram, I update quite frequent I'd say haha). I seldom text, hence I rarely check my hp for messages. My friends have mostly gotten used to my taking-forever-to-reply-a-text style. Now, well, it's getting serious: I don't even pick up calls! They just happened to call me when I wasn't around my hp. You know, iphone drains battery in lightning speed! So 1/4 of the day it's on charged (no kidding).
3. was hanging out with my cousins. We are close, but aren't that close to the extend to hang out outside of our family gathering. Or is it just me? Anyway, it was a great hangout. Gossiping stuff away. We should do it again some time!
4. was chatting with my girls (rarely happened, see no. 2) and the conversation totally made my day. They aren't just BFF, they are BBF, MBF, (don't mind this, inside joke) etc. too! They are the buddies, the company, the kind, the love, the evil, the sin, they are everything.
5. have been looking for pianosheets and covers. Can't get the pianosheets of the songs I fond lately: 天使的指纹 and 像天堂的悬崖. It takes me forever to cover by ears (and the results are not even close as nice) so I'd rather wait for the pianosheets online. My elder sis sent me a piano prodigy youtube video, which depressed me (in some not-so-serious ways). I can never be half as nice as that 9-year-old kid my god. I've been learning since 6, that kid hadn't even been born yet! Lesson learnt: all children are gifts; not all children are gifted. I'm a missed.
6. I miss going roadtrip with loved ones. Probably much influenced by the book I read lately. I miss looking out the window as the scenery passed us by. I miss looking at the driver and the look in his eyes.
7. I recalled back the night where I hit into the glass. The fear of ruining everything. I guess I can never forget that feeling. Frighten. Scared. Guilt especially. Everything washed through me whenever I recall back that night. I'm feeling all the feelings even typing it out now. 
8. Had a little mood swing. Thank god for my optimism. The positive vibe. They gather me up as a whole, as a person. I feel vulnerable at times where I need a shoulder to lean on. But forgetting they need the same thing back from me. Haven't I always said things are two-way, mutual. I really should keep this in mind. When I stop giving out the positive aura, I can't ask for it either. Am back as little sunshine now!
9. Read Tim's latest blog post and got really inspired. Everyone should read. *Click Here*. I love reading his blog anyway. So down to earth. So earnest. So true. 

-Tumblr Time-

Adorable pic! Angel like baby as if he/she has wings attached. Hmm decorations do matter.

Did I mention? Guess not. I got an A- for my FYP. Was kinda disappointed at first. Well this pic kinda reassures me lol.

exactly. Perhaps I won't encounter the wrong ones. But life's a bitch. Just hope for the best.

simply love love LOVE this pic! Art is so much fun. Where fun exists, where art forms.

much beyond words. I envy this well-dressed little girl, and the puppy. Books wall is my thing!! and I wonder what's that little thing sits on the floor (right side).

-being really random-

The unforgettable Cameron Highland roadtrip with family. Still, I don't regret of going, of staying.

after the accident. Sorry to make my parents worried, and still had to hold up and stayed strong for me throughout the entire time. I know deep inside they were broken. Love you baba mama! PS: couple shirts my dad and I put on!

they are just like a pair of mischievous couple. I like this picture of them.

I don't know where am I going. But I'm going. Are you coming?

Roadtrip roadtrip roadtrip...

the green. the soil. the sand. the sea. the sky.

well.

night.

it's Tuesday.

it's reunion day.

love,

Ee

Pre-grad. Post-grad.

Maybe every living creature in this whole wide world is studying for finals and ironically, I have absolutely nothing to do, I guess blogging will kill the time. So here's some things crawl into my mind. 

I'm going to graduate, for your information. And realizing that you are about to graduate is a mixed feeling. Something like love-hate relationship. It's such a relief knowing that I've completed my 4 years engineering degree (+ another 1 year foundation makes 5 years in total), not finished first-class-ly but at least reached my expectation.  The tension feeling I got whenever I thought of the after-grad is however, killing. 

I'm not a person with plans. With that I thank god, for saving me from a lot of worries. This time, I have no such luck to step away from it: drawing a future for myself. I'm confused about it, my future, which previously I didn't really give a fuck. I thought eventually, things will come naturally if they're meant to be, will fall into its place and fit in perfectly. With that naive thought or you say belief, I actually did survive through my 5 years of college (Amazing! isn't it?) . 

I was 18 when I first came to Malacca and I'm 23 this year and soon going to leave. Within these 5 years I've come to know that, the best things in life aren't things. I came with my clothes, some daily necessities and stationeries, I now go back with so much more. Friends and experiences are two most important things I can name it now. I've been through so much makes me feel that, I actually did quite some things in my college life and I wasn't wasting it. Of course there's times I would have worked harder and put more efforts, but there's moments I felt it didn't matter at all. Complicated. Anyways, these 5 years made up a great experience and probably part of the greatest memories in my life. 

I know things will look so much different in a month or two from now. I can't foresee that. I can't predict what would happen. I can't say I don't look forward to its coming. But I can't say I anticipate to its coming either. I'm confused about what I really want, because I never thought of it. I really should think of it now. The thought of becoming one of those ambitious people scares me. I don't know who would I become. I hope that deep inside I would forever be this me, the SzeEe you know. But god knows what society capable of to change a person. The idea of it horrifies me. 

I have to keep reminding myself not to be one of those who would fade out into the society and lose himself. Thus, I gotta hold myself up to this belief, so tightly until it hurts: I'm not gonna change to blend in, to fit in. I'm gonna be just me.

another wordy post. 

I guess I overthink. Fuck it. Who cares. Just live. 

Counting down 4 days. Be it alone or with friends or with you. I'm so gonna enjoy it. 

I will miss this place for sure.

and you.

love,

Ee

静悄悄静悄悄

刚从电台听到的歌。
Been on repeat ever since.


%------------------------%


喜欢自己才会拥抱生活。

“世间有很多美妙的东西，
但真正属于自己的却并未几。
在这个缤纷的世俗世界里，
能够学会用一颗平凡的心去看待四周的一切，
也是一种境界。”


擦肩而过的人们，
谁知道你是谁。

他们都有自己的故事，
而旁观者永远只能虚想猜测。

喜欢做个旁观者。
喜欢看着世界流动。
喜欢坐在落地窗前欣赏外头的人潮攒动。


一对貌似忘年恋的情侣，
姐姐似的女生搂着弟弟似的男生，
交头接耳低声嘀咕。

四五只人小鬼大的小学生，
放学后惬意的溜达，
坐在街边栏杆上打闹欢笑。

一对印度情侣，
勾着小指头逛大街。

一位戴着很in的帽子的阿嫲。

带着打包食物回来的员工。

翘着脚摇啊摇，
对着电脑的只身小金毛。

三位妙龄少女，
做着功课大声聊着天。

办公人士对着iPad刷啊刷。

背着大书包大水瓶，
在街上奔跑的少年。

从窗外往里头看的光头老外，
不小心地跟我对上眼。*羞*

一对老外夫妇带着两个小孩。
小的被妈妈牵着，
大的跟在后头，
带着一脸“我很累可以休息了吗” 或
“热带国家my ass”之类的厌恶表情。


%------------------------%


没有任何东西可以永恒。
如果是流动的，它会溜走；
如果能存着的，也会干涸；
如果还成长的，总会凋零。


能留下来的，是爱。

是人对周遭赋予的生命。

是人与人之间的互相关怀。

哦。
还有文字。



仪

Midnight Diary 2014 1.0

I hadn't clicked into my blog for like, weeks, until I received an email from a reader. Alright then I'll do a quick post before I sleep. Spontaneous like that, yes.

As most of you know, I'm doing my FYP this sem, and only FYP. At first I thought it'd be so damn free to me to only take one subject in a short semester. Reality just slapped me in the face. Bitch please, I'm BUSY. Even busier than usual. Meeting up with my supervisor for like, everyday? for the past few weeks and each meeting lasted at least 2 hours. Until last week he pronounced I'm 'okay' on my own. Thank goodness. 

He's really a nice supervisor, provides every guidance and help needed. He's that keen and helpful to a point where, he called me at 10pm (yes, at night) and asked me to add 'some more' stuffs into my report; once sent me an email at 11 close 12 midnight, asked me to read an article. One thing I'm so much behind the progress (and it's my usual habit) is that, he never really satisfied for my current doing. He needs more, detailed stuffs. And each time we met, there'r sure some new things we explored. He even asked if I'm interested to further my current project in NTU. Well, with an offer like that, anyone would waver a little. Shall see how it goes. And I was told that, someone is gonna show up for my presentation. Gosh, how stressful!

Throughout my university life, I never really loved any subject or showed interest in any field (academically). But in doing this FYP, I found that I'm kinda interested to the work I'm doing. Or perhaps meeting a right supervisor makes things right. I owe him so much. Thanks sir. :)

Stressful and yet, I'm happy with it.

Sometimes, I wish I can just read good novels, watch great movies, listen to my favourite songs, travel, see beautiful things, eat whenever I'm hungry, sleep whenever I'm tired. But no, I first have to complete my FYP report, second to finish my presentation successfully, and then graduate, find a job and struggle.

My whereabout just now. When you bump into me, anytime anywhere before 28th, ask me to back to my stuff and stop slacking and strolling around. I can't afford that. oh and wish me good luck too! Tqvm:)

Out of the blue, I miss this place. The seat that overlooking the street, the latte, the green mug. My recent favourite hanging place.

Another 2 weeks and byebye to this place. I'm not sure if I'd miss it, but for sure I'll miss my university life. Gosh can't believe I'm one leg stepping out into the society, another stage of my life. I'm taken aback, yet kinda looking forward to it. Perhaps my good luck will continue following me. and to all of you my friends who soon graduate.

Life like this is a little bit unexpected. Who knows the one sitting at the last row in your class will end up be the one who cooks you dinner, brings you to grocery shopping, or likely to be the punching bag of your own. I never knew I could be this irrational, unreasonable girl which I back then swore I would not be. Thanks for seeing me through that I'm not always the strong one; Thanks for letting me know I can be spoilt; Thanks for telling me it's okay to be a little annoying and unreasonable at times. Above all, thanks for reminding me that I'm still a girl. I don't see the future until it comes to me. I know it's gonna be hard. I know many things await. Perhaps together we can walk it through. 

Most of my friends know, I'm so reserved when it comes to my personal stuffs. Family, best friends, whoever. I used to bottled up my feelings. Even I blog, I just put my random thoughts into words. I seldom open up to anyone like I do to you. Sometimes, we're scared to say things we wanted to say, so we keep our mouths shut. Until that one day we realize, we should have said it. But it's too late.

and 

Nothing is too late.

(ahhhhh this is deep I don't know what I'm talking about [but deep down my instinct told me so {well maybe it agrees something to a certain degree}])

nested brackets. lol.

don't ask. I simply like this picture.

It's crazy how fast things change.

Thinking back, it's really good to be a kid. But better to be an adult. Although yes, we have to worry about a living, but we make decisions to everything which would lead us to the destinations. We either enjoy the gain, or suffer the lost. That's the deal of life.

Growing up and be a happy human being.

That's my life.

xoxo

Ee

伪《康复日记》

其实，早在两个礼拜前我就想要开始我的《康复日记》。但是实在太懒惰，加上心灵上没经历过什么巨大波折或跨过什么心理障碍，《康复日记》就这样一了百了。

额……该怎么开始呢。身边少数朋友知道我把自己跌了一身伤后【好啦就算没有一整身，至少也有四肢跟原本必须靠它吃饭的脸（哭）】，都送上祝福啊、问候啊等等等，不忘外加嘲笑跟些些戏谑。毕竟吃到23岁那么大，要跌成这样也不是每个人可以办到。

是这样的……

事发日期：04-03-2014
事发时间：大约9:30pm
事发地点：金马仑酒店，套房内

其实叻……过程有点难交代。哈。基本上就是，晚餐后回酒店，然后走到阳台，就抬头看，就看到满天星星，可能没有光害的关系，星星就很满很满很亮很亮很多很多，额……总之是星星惹的祸就对了【可以赖就赖】。

【然后我很肚懒酒店的处理方式，有机会去金马仑就别去Copthorne了，也就是以前的Equatorial。太可怕了。】

额，嗯，直接跳到被载去附近的诊所清理伤口跟缝针吧。

 人生中第一次缝针就要缝上两个伤口。一个在嘴唇上【嗯，毁容了我（再哭）】，一个在小腿。挺可怕，明明意识是非常清醒的，可是躺在手术台上什么都不能做，只能感受自己肉被针线穿过然后缝合起来【文字上看来是不是很嗨？陪在我身边的李金金观赏全手术过程，那才叫嗨翻天了（她整个就很享受，有点病态我觉得，好啦还是谢谢你陪我，还有可怜你那小手被我握得太紧差点骨折）】。其实没感觉，因为打了麻醉针。但麻醉针那四剂真的是痛到我差点妈妈都不认得【我超！怕！痛！】。

嗯……然后那半小时到一小时里我的脑袋就像书里描述的那样，天旋地转，回忆一再盘旋。想了好多好多……可能把我人生前22年里，原本该思考，但我却不屑屌的人生方向，做了一次性的反省跟整理。然后得到一个非常理的概念就是，女生好像很需要靠脸吃饭。我天。


想到，一家人开开心心出去玩的计划，就因为我全程泡汤，整个就眼眶泛泪，内疚到不行。

再想到，老爸老妈那么宝贝的女儿，把自己跌成这样，尤其是在他们眼前，right before their eyes!!! 他们接下来几个星期甚至几个月，怎么能睡得安稳。我就像他们的心头肉，虽然伤的是我，痛的却是他们。没能好好照顾自己。
我很内疚。

再再想到，原本不差几天就能见到的，整天担心我的你，就因为我的大意，又给你添麻烦添担忧添一堆你原本就不应该心痛的理由。很心痛你的心痛。
我很内疚。

再再再想到，原计划一起看演唱会，顺便KL两天一夜游的你们。不能按原订行程一起出发前往，不能在临毕一起疯一起玩。
我很内疚。


当然中间也不忘跟李金金聊些废话来分散注意力【“我鼻子有没有歪掉？” “是不是很恐怖？” “缝在这个地方应该不太能吃东西，顺便节食当减肥好了” “这是缝第几针？” “你怎么不去当医生？” 诸如此类的废话】。隐隐中也听见，爸妈在外头打电话交代东西的声音。躺在手术台上，想到我是祸因，想到我的无能为力，那感觉真非笔墨所能形容，内疚到了极点【我应该把这辈子的内疚都给榨干了】。


缝合手术做完，我从玻璃的反射看见了没看过的自己。没什么确切的感觉，痛处随着麻醉药消失了，心情也非常淡定。没意识到存在着的，女生最担心的问题。心里满满的都是内疚跟抱歉，没什么余地让我担心我的脸蛋。一见到妈妈，看到她哭红了的双眼，我又悲从中来抱着她一直说对不起，哭得好惨就是。就连冷静沉着的爸爸也一反常态，看着我的眼睛告诉我他有多着急多心痛。


恨自己让我爱的，爱我的人担忧心痛。


惨痛的教训。23岁的人了，就不能像个正常女生亭亭玉立，成熟稳重些。今年的生日很难忘。给自己留下了疤痕当礼物。如此天兵个性可能是上天赐给我的礼物，从事发当晚到现在快要三个礼拜，我一次都没担心过【以后】这个深奥课题，船到桥头自然直吧。这个社会是视觉系，我就快毕业要找份工，到时可能动动微整形小手术又如何。况且我也不在意别人怎么看我，虽然破相了但，爱我的人依然爱我。嗯……给他们添了不少担忧烦恼就是。唉，内疚。

这次就当做是一个考验。以前读到Nick Vujicic相关文章就有幻想过，我那么“过分”开朗的性格，如果有天真的遇上了什么（touchwood）意外，断手断脚还会不会如此看得开？虽然我现在经历的小意外可能只算小菜一碟，不过心态上还算很开朗就是了。不枉被冠上小太阳之正能量使者称号。

事发晚上 

（警告：以下图片可能造成不适）

缝了4针的小腿

缝了七针

以为这算很肿了

隔天直接觉得自己的嘴唇是香肠

隔天

戴上口罩继续趴趴走

拜托了爸妈才勉强说服他们不取消行程

好庆幸缝针到拆线到现在

全程都不觉得痛

只是刚开始走路有点不方便

谢谢爸爸妈妈

对不起我爱你

拆线后的第12天

昨天

好在front camera没有很清楚

加上两位美女为我分散注意力

嗯……

现在就这样

这三个星期是一场好真实的梦。我不称它为恶梦，但梦醒了还是要面对现实。目前复原情况还算良好，每天都定时擦药，也戒口了【但没瘦】，希望接下来几个月能够尽快康复。不期望能够完全不留疤，可是hope for the best。

之后几个星期到几个月，可能都要这样拍照了。哈！

角度灯光主宰一切啊！

人没事就好。

做孩子的真的要把自己照顾好，才是对爸妈最大的回报。

往斯文淑女方向迈进。

生活还是很美好。

仪

【隔夜文】

就像昨天吃不完的菜留着今天吃
人称
【隔夜菜】

昨晚半夜写不完的文
现在继续写
我称
【隔夜文】

【题外话】
只睡了三四个小时
之后马上就来个两小时的羽球
我就快累疯了
右手也使不上什么力
部落格是真的有在用生命经营的
额
哈哈
纯粹就想要完成这篇文


*****
从昨晚01.11开始：

房里的书桌被老妹霸占
只好可怜地把电脑枕在床上打这篇文
冷风直吹我的双手
冻的有点僵了
【嗯 有人说过我的手不是纤纤玉手 所以怎么着都没关系 TT】


仨人过了很漫长又蛮有意义的一天
她们说想看我的部落格
善良的我选择圆了她们的梦
哈

Greenet @ Pelangi

是个环境好气氛佳的餐厅

只是避免大热天去吧

没filter

完全是玻璃屋透光的关系

好热


但另一只手来看
【on the other hand的翻译 强吧】
自然采光好漂亮


有个会拍照的朋友真好
我说你们要惜福
【嘿】

【转站：好久不见别来无恙的Roost】

近来为感情事伤脑筋
正确说来其实也不关我的事
我承认
我这个人确实比较容易抽离自己
平时若事不关己
我通常都不会插上一脚

但是
朋友事就是我的事！！！


这句话我绝对不会说

但是x2
这年头发生的事情太多
逼得我非得出场平息动乱

【唉 我克制不住写笑（废）话的那股冲动 嗯 认真】


所以
妈妈说这年纪谈恋爱是自找麻烦
其实我不全然反对她的说法
学业是麻烦
金钱是麻烦
接着
矛盾是麻烦
摩擦是麻烦
冷战是麻烦
争吵是麻烦
姑且放着对彼此的疼爱包容不管
整段感情充斥的
都是零零碎碎的麻烦

但是
遇上了能怎么办呢
不再是一个人的一对人

如何去互相配合互相体谅

是麻烦
如何去遵守适应彼此的经营守则作业程序
是麻烦

你能说它们是甜蜜的负担
日积月累下来
身边的朋友告诉我
这些小东西绝对不能小看


或许身边朋友都属于爱情长跑健将
短则三五年
长则七八年
经历的风风雨雨其多
我不能一一道尽
虽然身不在其中
但是歌曲听多了会朗朗上口
故事听多了也会颇有感触
忍不住地
脚还是踩进她们的鞋里看看适不适合自己
【嗯 没错 就是 put yourself in someone else's shoes的翻译】


以下是小女弱弱的看法

我常说人是相互的
你来我往
你进我退
当少了一个人的努力
另一个人的心血只是徒劳

当
你自觉一味地付出
有想过对方也努力尝试把最好的自己呈献给你

当
你自觉受尽委屈
有想过对方为你拉下面子先认错讨你欢心

男生常认为女生
很复杂
想太多
其实怪不了他们
很多时候也不是他们的错

我们总是期望
他能读懂我给的暗示
但是看了Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
从书名就知道
男女分别来自不同的星球
说着不同的语言
所以
他们是连明示都未必知道的外星人

【no offence. 如果你不是 那我只能说你的（或未来的）女朋友很幸运】


唉
泡在感情问题中
我的正能量好像不能发挥作用
搞得自己也愁云惨雾一片
所以说
两个人的事
外人也帮不上忙


管它小三是
人还是鬼
时间或距离
出现小三的感情
旁人是给不了什么有用的意见
解铃还须系铃人



朋友就是
心情好时手牵着手
心情不好时手握着手
的存在

牵着的是开心回忆
握着的是怜悯疼惜


有时
婆婆妈妈的唠叨
有时
爱理不理的态度
这才是我们的作风
虽然在一起就斗嘴玩闹
分开也各自精彩
但是心依然是系着彼此的


我很认同这句话
当下的一个念头或想法
可以决定或改变很多事情
【你说的】

未来或许还太遥远
我承认我蛮逊的
对未来没什么计划
只想活在当下
即将面对的困难在我看来
不过是一堆未知数
既然不能预知
那为什么要让自己烦恼那么多
船到桥头自然直
豆浆油条简简单单
这是自己目前秉持的信念

人啊
总是有很多理由说服自己的执迷不悟
谁都一样
没例外

我很少在部落格触碰自己心里那块保护区
可是
这回我想要纪念这个想法
可能若干年后回头看
我对自己的人生又有不同的见解

【也可能明天又推翻了自己 善变的人类】


不管友情爱情
当你在一段感情中纠结徘徊时
问问自己这问题

说到底
你有多珍惜这段感情

说到底
你是否舍得放下你们的曾经



仪


【地点】
1. Greenet Bar & Restaurant @ Pelangi, Jalan Maju Jaya
2. Roost Juice & Bar @ Jalan Dhoby (Near CS)

POT's Kitchen @Jalan Pahang, JB

When's the last time I blogged about a decent cafe in JB? Tofu Flower was it I guess. This one I gotta blog today is just located beside it! Nice cafes are blossoming, I happened to stumble across this one when I was randomly walking around Jalan Tan Hiok Nee after taking dinner at IT Roo. 

陈旭年文化街

That was a Tuesday night so there's nothing much to see.

Again, my favourite place in JB. 

two shops away from Tofu Flower Cafe. @Jalan Pahang.

Very tiny double-storey cafe.

A scrumptious selection of food and snacks you can find.

Some promotions. Spotted the briefcase? Most of the tables were made of these.

Gotta make your order and payment first before sitting down.

No tax and service charge imposed.

I'm not sure if the owner wanna create an oldschool atmosphere or the clock is just malfunction. 

One down side, it's really stuffy and warm inside.

Toblerone and Malteser cheesecake. Tasted too soft as if melting. Should try the nutella cheesecake which recommended by Foursquare users. I like the drinks though, double choc blended and double choc latte.

little touches.

accidentally shot this and I kinda like it.

Smiling too brightly paiseh

POT's Kitchen

Hmm.. will come back again, given that I try out all the cafes around that area. 

Companion of the night. Buddies for years. Please appreciate my existence before leaving to Russia! Haha!

PS: many friends misunderstood me because of the previous post. 

CLARIFY: It's just about my perspective of love and relationships and stuffs. Not that I lost the love of my life and am miserable, please. Still that happy cheerful me. BTW, I think I can be a column writer or something because that post I wrote actually touches many hearts! Haha

let me be a little bit vain for once.

It's getting nearer to the date of my last paper in my uni life. Hence you can see I blog more often now. No, haven't started anything. Yea just SzeEe being SzeEe.

love,

Ee