Maybe every living creature in this whole wide world is studying for finals and ironically, I have absolutely nothing to do, I guess blogging will kill the time. So here's some things crawl into my mind.
I'm going to graduate, for your information. And realizing that you are about to graduate is a mixed feeling. Something like love-hate relationship. It's such a relief knowing that I've completed my 4 years engineering degree (+ another 1 year foundation makes 5 years in total), not finished first-class-ly but at least reached my expectation. The tension feeling I got whenever I thought of the after-grad is however, killing.
I'm not a person with plans. With that I thank god, for saving me from a lot of worries. This time, I have no such luck to step away from it: drawing a future for myself. I'm confused about it, my future, which previously I didn't really give a fuck. I thought eventually, things will come naturally if they're meant to be, will fall into its place and fit in perfectly. With that naive thought or you say belief, I actually did survive through my 5 years of college (Amazing! isn't it?) .
I was 18 when I first came to Malacca and I'm 23 this year and soon going to leave. Within these 5 years I've come to know that, the best things in life aren't things. I came with my clothes, some daily necessities and stationeries, I now go back with so much more. Friends and experiences are two most important things I can name it now. I've been through so much makes me feel that, I actually did quite some things in my college life and I wasn't wasting it. Of course there's times I would have worked harder and put more efforts, but there's moments I felt it didn't matter at all. Complicated. Anyways, these 5 years made up a great experience and probably part of the greatest memories in my life.
I know things will look so much different in a month or two from now. I can't foresee that. I can't predict what would happen. I can't say I don't look forward to its coming. But I can't say I anticipate to its coming either. I'm confused about what I really want, because I never thought of it. I really should think of it now. The thought of becoming one of those ambitious people scares me. I don't know who would I become. I hope that deep inside I would forever be this me, the SzeEe you know. But god knows what society capable of to change a person. The idea of it horrifies me.
I have to keep reminding myself not to be one of those who would fade out into the society and lose himself. Thus, I gotta hold myself up to this belief, so tightly until it hurts: I'm not gonna change to blend in, to fit in. I'm gonna be just me.
another wordy post.
I guess I overthink. Fuck it. Who cares. Just live.
Counting down 4 days. Be it alone or with friends or with you. I'm so gonna enjoy it.
I will miss this place for sure.
and you.
love,
Ee
